Find The Boots

I was in the lobby of my very very nice hotel in Chicago and this guy comes sailing through with a platter of fresh steaming cinammon sugar buns. Five minutes later he comes back through with another one. So I waved him over and asked if I could have one and he informed me that they weren't for eating but for "atmospherics."

It did smell nice, but it made me very very hungry and when I got to my meeting I had three of the crappy little danishes they always put out.

During the several days that it was 112 degrees and I had no AC, all I wanted to do was build an IED and kill the AC guy who kept driving right past my office and helping other people. In fact, I wanted to kill everyone who didn’t agree
with me on just about any point whatsoever.

• When traveling in a third world country where the exchange rate is favorable and you're staying in the same hotel for more than a few days, introduce yourself to the floor attendant and lay a big tip on him. Everything will go much smoother.
• Always get the hotel to send a driver to pick you up or drop you off at the airport. Alternatively get an account with Boston Coach and use them every time - the heck with the hack line in Chicago on a rainy day.
• Never underestimate the power of an American $20 bill. It can get you out of most problems.
• If you call the airline and they don't give you the answer you want, hang up and call back later. You'll eventually find someone on the other end of the phone who will give you what you want. Write down their name and the time/date. They won't honor it, but you can use it as leverage to get free miles or extra upgrades.
• When in doubt, just ask yourself, what would boondoggie do? (Hint: it involves not getting caught doing whatever it is we'd do!)

Good travelling and don't lose your boots!

I checked in to an extended stay hotel (Staybridge Suites) for a 30-day stay, and was smart enough to know they'd want to block 30 days at $80/day. I asked them to back it down to a week at a time, which the clerk said she'd do. I wake up the next morning with the week's block along with the 30 day block, effectively locking $3K up on my debit card. I called my bank, they needed a fax to Visa Merchant Services, which I had the desk guy at the hotel put together.

No dice this morning, and they blocked ANOTHER $660 from me to total my hostage funds at $3700. I did get the bank and the hotel to kiss and make up and got the 30 day charge knocked off, which was pretty painless. Chase telephone banking knew the right answer and got me squared away pretty quick. Still, know what you're asking for and don't assume the desk clerks know what the hell they're doing even if you're asking.

Side note: why can't we ever have a corporate travel policy designed by someone who used to, you know, travel?

On second thought, it'd be full of working and effective anti-Boots rules, so never mind.

Let's say the employee recently took a client out to lunch and is claiming a fairly reasonable $100 for it. This sounds good to the manager, so she approves the request and sends it on to the payroll team. Unbeknownst to her, the $100 in the expense report was not a static value added by the employee, but rather a formula that would change to the fraudulent amount of $1,000 when viewed by the payroll employees. The payroll guys see the value for $1,000, verify that it was approved by the manager, and promptly over-pay the employee to the tune of $900.

What is it with the rest of the world (outside the US)? I'm sitting in the British Airways First Class lounge in Heathrow Terminal 4 in the afternoon and it's easily more than 90 degrees. I don't think it was even that hot outside. I don't expect it to be air conditioned to a cool 70 degrees like it is in civilized places, but why does the rest of the world think conditions that would normally cause heat stroke are acceptable in a premium lounge? If my company is going to lay out $10K for a ticket, you would think I wouldn't have to sweat through my layover. The conditions are actually much more tolerable out in the terminal.

BA usually does an excellent job all around, but this is the third time this year that I've been in this lounge and it's never even approached comfortable.

I am in part of the former Soviet Union - it's very cosmopolitan, the ladies are lovely, and if I felt less hungover, I would try to spell Checkoslovokia.

Last night, at a very very nice eatery I ordered a Johnny Walker Black (even I would not try to expense the Blue) and got what tasted like cheap Canadian whiskey. Possibly something that was supposed to taste like Seagrams.

So the next glass I ordered was Crown Royale. What came was completely different and much rawer. "Well" whiskey for mixed drinks in a college town raw.

I can only presume that they have brands of fake whiskey.

The next glass of "Crown" was even worse - a completely different rotgut from the previous one. More like a cheap brand of flavored vodka, really. Fanta maybe.

Then it stabilized and I got the same thing for a few more drinks.

Today I am dying, and I will never buy booze in the former-USSR again.

I'd recently accepted a new job, and my prospective boss called to tell me that his division was being rewarded with a five-day all-expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas. This adventure was scheduled to happen a few weeks before my official start date, but he invited me along anyway, thinking it might be a swell way for me to bond with the crew. Now, the thought of meeting my future colleagues unser such circumstances - shirtless, sunburned, and hungover - wasn't exactly appealing. but I like palm trees and string bikinis [ed - or speedo's for our female readers, natch] as much as teh next guy [ed - gal], so might have scammed the free vacation if the guy hadn't gon on to explain that this even was not a good old corrporate boondoggel but an elaborate planned "retreat."

A Pleasanton, CA, engineering manager walked away from a work team of more than 100 people that he’d trained, stock options and a generous pay package after the administrator refused to give him administrative staff or revenue-and-profit information to calculate bonuses and finish reports.

When it is not possible to get receipts for these expenses (e.g., portage
in remote locations), submit an itemized list indicating what the expenses were.

If you want a great meal, try a restaurant. If you want to get there fast, try an airplane.

I recently flew from Chicago to Delhi on American in Business class. While the service was a poor as I expected, the plane was even filthier than I can imagine. But the pillows and blankets were absolutely disgusting.

Do they clean those things?

I was worred about lice, if you can imagine.

Twelve different artisan bacon delivered to your door each month

I took a staff member out to an extremely expensive Brazillian steak place style lunch the other day as a reward for the hours he'd been putting in. The company is fine with picking up a lunch tab once in a while, but we managed to run up a tab that would have been more appropriate for four fat people than two normal sized pudgy middle aged guys. Plus the wine.

I IM'd the employee and asked for "names of people that had lunch with us." He responded with "Mr. L is someone I know that is an expert in Machine Insertion layout [Ed: what the h*ll is that?], use him."

Turned in the expense report and my VP gives me a call to ask "How do you know Mr. L?" Turns out, my VP, who is on the other side of the country, met Mr. L on a bike ride through France 10 years ago and became friends...

and starts lecturing him about how wonderful it is. According to the manufacturer:

The Eyezone Massager was developed using the principles of Chinese acupuncture and massage and magnetic therapy. Massaging the eyes stimulates circulation which tones the surrounding muscle tissue, reducing bags, dark circles and the signs of swelling or puffiness. Your eyes will look brighter and feel less tired and strained.

Right, whatever.

If my seatmate was wearing that I would have been afraid to go to sleep!

Additional supporting data can be analyzed when you plot this information against compensation levels earned. Those earning over $500,000 misappropriated $2,010,000 per fraud incident while those earning $100,000 to $149,000 committed frauds totaling $429,000 per incident.

So he says:

Can I claim back my travel expenses for trips to the Centre for Anxiety Disorders & Trauma?

So I says: Sure, if you're worried about it. :-)

Before debating the payment of $2.3 billion the private lawyers are demanding out of the Texas tobacco settlement, we should first require them to document their $40 million in expenses.

including a $952 business lunch, $725 for a Texas State Bar exam and $3,100 for a charter aircraft.

But you'd be wrong:

Fifteen Florida firms incurred expenses of $12 million for litigation that lasted a year longer than the Texas case.

ATTORNEY: Mr. Wilson. You were the company's chief financial officer. Is that right?

YOU: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And you have the highest standards of integrity?

YOU: That's right. (What else are you going to say?)

ATTORNEY: But yet, it's okay with you if the company's executives commit fraud and embezzle, isn't it?

YOU: No. Of course not.

ATTORNEY: Isn't this your signature on the company tax return?

YOU: Yes.

ATTORNEY: Then how do you explain this $5,000 for the CEO's personal trip to Las Vegas the past five years?

YOU: But it's only a small amount. We're a $250 million company.

ATTORNEY: So your company saved $2,500 each year in taxes. Now Mr. Wilson, who had to make up that shortfall? (Answer: the members of the jury.)

YOU: (Dumbstruck at this point and fidgeting for an answer. [No answer will get you out of trouble with the jury.])

ATTORNEY: Clearly, it's okay with you if the CEO steals a little bit. So tell me, Mr. Wilson, how much does the theft have to be before it's not okay with you?

The X5 Stereo Bluetooth Headset is a portable multi-function device utilizing the latest cutting edge technologies allowing you to stream high quality music and make voice calls using a mobile phone, pda, or computer - without wires attached to the headset. Connect directly to A2DP* compatible phones and computers or utilize the supplied BlueAnt Audio Streamer to connect to any MP3 player, iPod, or DVD etc and stream music direct while answering calls from a phone. Open your favourite VOIP program and talk anywhere in the world. With a detachable microphone, USB and AC charging options, the X5 is a complete mobile communications accessory for people who require wireless freedom.

I just found out that I've probably paid hundreds of dollars for McPaper (USA Today) and in-room safes over the last several years. When did they start charging for these things?

Sheesh.

1. Points
2. Location (cab is better than car, car if the hotel will be quiet and the drive easy)
3. Amenities

An internal hospital review in 1998 documented the expenses, and concluded that Urciuoli "may have committed a serious fraud upon the hospital" when he billed $5,998 for an eight-day trip to the Scottsdale Princess Resort in Arizona.

Urciuoli, who acknowledged that there was no health-care conference, conceded that he had made "a bad error in judgment."

The hospital's board of directors voted to keep Urciuoli. He repaid $16,000 in expenses, and later agreed to a civil settlement with the Rhode Island attorney general in which he reimbursed the hospital $85,000 that it had paid a Boston law firm for the internal review.

American Express offers reports highlighting the gap between in-policy
compact car rentals (what the traveler reserved) and out-of-policy upgrades to
luxury cars (what the traveler actually drove and paid for)

U.S. business travelers are most likely to believe in full auditing of expense reports, as 77% of those polled agreed that all expense vouchers should be checked, followed by 72% of British respondents, 70% of Germans and 64% of French travelers surveyed.

Now that is dang coolio! The software/hardware is called CoPilot Live and the phone shown is the Q from Motorola.

Find them boots!

Title 3, Section 102, Compensation of the President.
The President shall receive . . . compensation of $400,000 a year, to be paid monthly, and in addition, an expense allowance of $50,000 to assist in defraying expenses relating to or resulting from the discharge of his official duties.”

Act [of] Jan. 19. 1949 gave President a yearly expense account of $50,000 for which he was to make no accounting.